Monday, January 31, 2011

Chocolate Chip Cookies are for idiots

As if my last blog weren't sardonic enough, now I have something else that I feel passionate enough about to write a blog. A topic that keeps me up at night: bad cookies. There are some things that just irritate me to no-end and bad cookies fall into this category.

Here is what drives me mad: when people say they "know how to bake" and then they deliver these piece-of-crap, hard-as-a-rock, drab-flavored, ho-hum, I'm-so-bored-by-the-plainness-of-these-things-I-might-yawn chocolate chip cookies. Just thinking about such a plain and boring cookie makes me want to stare into space and file my nails and whistle and not pay any attention to the subject matter whatsoever. So ridiculously plain that I felt the need to write a blog to express my sheer and utter maddening annoyance.

People who think chocolate chip cookies are good are essentially idiots. It is not dissimilar from a wine connoisseur dining at a fancy restaurant, and requesting Boon's Farm. (A $2.99/bottle wine with a twist-off cap that they sold at the gas station down the street from my apartment when I was in college.)

My friend and colleague is from Pittsburgh and we were talking about good things that come out of Pittsburgh. (Of course, top on her list was The Steelers, but I am indifferent about football, so instead we re-focused the conversation and talked about other things that come from the region.) Since I grew up not too far away from "the burgh" as she calls it, there are some similar traditions in the region that extend to northeast Ohio. One of them is the cookie table at weddings. It is mostly an Italian thing, but I think a lot of people in northeast Ohio/western Pennsylvania do this, whatever their background may be. The cookies don't compete with the cake; conversely they are an essential addition to the cake. The reception halls automatically know to put up a cookie table. Family members make them and bring them there before the wedding starts and set them up. And people take home the left-overs in little boxes. We also have them at birthdays and Christmas and other occasions too.

When I lived in New York all these years, and went to weddings I never once saw a cookie table. Those folks are missing out! As for me, I have never wanted a big wedding. I want a simple wedding. (Just a husband will do for crissakes, who needs frills? See my last blog if you need clarification on this.) ..... Where was I? Right..... so all I want is simplicity when it comes to weddings. And maybe a really pretty pair of delicate white shoes with custom beading and rhinestone/pearl embellishments. And that is IT. Simple. Easy. No-frills. But I might renege on that decision one day just so I can have a cookie table.

It looks about like this:

I guess since I've (trying to successfully) been doing weight watchers, cookies have been on my mind a lot. The clothespin cookies, the pizzelles, the delicate little buttery almond cookies covered in powdered sugar, the melt-in-you-mouth flaky date-and-nut stuffed cookies, the cherry cookies, the banana nuggets, the kind that have anise and figs (they might be called cuccidati), and these anginetti cookies with a delicate lemon flavor. Then there are the little cheesecake squares. And I know I'm forgetting some.

I just really want a cookie.

My sister-in-law makes good cookies too. She shipped me some at christmastime and I just finished off the last of them. (3 weight watcher points for a little one).

I had some good cookies last weekend when I went to Ohio for my grandma's 90th birthday and to visit my nephew. Talk about sweet little things that I just wanna eat up! Here is baby Sergio with my grandma (I think they are both pretty sweet and adorable) and one of me holding that little Sweetie Pie (me holding Sergio, not my grandma). He is a very docile baby. Gentle and sweet and snuggly. I often vacillate about whether I want to have a baby of my own, but after this, I think I definitely do. Very few things feel as good as holding a baby in my arms.

And here is a close-up of the clothespin cookies- they are called this because the dough is wrapped around a clothespin, baked, and then squirted with this creamy yummy filling:

If I don't indeed move back to New York, it's because I've again changed my mind and decided to go back to northeast Ohio instead. Because New Yorkers suck at making good cookies. (Dear Goddess of Liberty: please do not write me off- I still love being part of your huddled masses. And I'm 90% sure I'll be back, but I just like cookie tables. That's all. Surely you must understand. You're French- cookies are good there too.)

So maybe I just need to get my Grandma's and my Sister in Law's recipes. Now *that* is a good solution. A solution that will allow me to have my cookies and bake them too. And I will finally find this elusive husband. And have a baby. Sergio should have a cousin. And he should have a cookie. (When he is old enough to digest solid food.)

And so it is settled. There shall be a wedding and there shall be pretty white beaded shoes and there shall be a baby and there shall be a cookie table in my future. Chocolate chips shall not be invited.

Disclaimer: Hypocritically, I still might eat a chocolate chip cookie one day in a desperate moment. Like say for instance, if I move back to NYC and there are no pizelles, nor clothespin cookies, nor buttery little almond treats to be found. I am not exempt from idiotism and besides, everyone sometimes takes desperate measures. Please do not exile me if you ever see me eating that junk. Because they are like 384949 zillion weight watcher points. And they taste like complete shit. That's punishment enough.

1 comment:

Dara said...

Chocolate chip cookies are only acceptable when they are packed also with nuts. And the chocolate chips are not that semi-sweet crap. I mean, what the hell kind of chocolate chip is a "semi-sweet" one....moronic....milk, dark, white, peanutbutter, butterscotch...all these are acceptable chips. NOT SEMI-SWEET.
When I get married, I want to have an actual wedding just for this Italian cookie table and nothing else.